You have to ask yourself, was it worth it?

I

“You have to ask yourself,

Was it worth it?”

My commander asks while

I slide the all too heavy

corpse into the Blackhawk’s belly. 

“Yes it was!”

Commands the same voice,

gruff, confident, all too enthusiastic.

My brother is gone

His new wife

now a widow,

but this dumb fuck over

Here thinks it was

Worth it….

Honestly,

I never replied to his question.

I will never reply.

I can’t.

I was,

always will be

too close to those trees.

17OCTOBER2006

I was 13 days from

Boots-on-ground

Back at home

where an old vet,

tears in his eyes,

would hand me 2 cold

McDonalds cheeseburgers,

shake my hand, and

tell me

“You are home, son,

It’s OK now.”

17OCTOBER2006

A green flash of

molten copper pierces one

side of the armored Humvee…

Only one side.

The liquid clapper,

It’s toll ominous, final,

left one soul to

Relive that deafening tone.

“Was it worth it, Ryan?”

“Was it worth it, Norm?”

“Was it worth it, Nate?”

You paid the price.

So, I ask you,

“Was it worth it?”

Your silence is resounding.

II

Is it my responsibility

to help pay this hefty bill?

Since no son of yours will

carry on your family name,

I named mine after you.

Since you can’t endure

the effects of PTSD,

I endure them for you.

Brother, you live within my heart.

Brother, you live

Within my heart.

You live within my heart, brother.

My heart is heavy

like your corpse

that warm desert night

with waking up in cold sweats at 3am

the memory of burning flesh and metallic blood

Seared into my mind

My heart is heavy

because you are there.

Your memory, brother,

can never be torn away,

Not the same way your

flesh once was.

“What is the price

I have paid?” I ask,

My voice trembling, weak.

It is nothing

Compared to the small

plastic bag of politics

Your life paid for.

“Was it worth it, Ryan?”

“Was it worth it, Norm?”

“Was it worth it, Nate?”

You paid the price.

So, I ask you,

again,

“Was it worth it, brother?”

…

Your silence,

Deafens me.